Funny Quotes from Military Officer Annual Evaluation Reports
Or How You Know When You Need To Look For Another Career
Military officers live and die by their Fitness Reports (FitRep) – annual evaluations. When I was in the Navy one that said “he walks on water” was average. An outstanding one said something like “he not only walks on water, but also parts it so others can follow.” Outstanding ones got promoted, average ones and you may or may not get promoted. But to have any of the following phrases, as funny as they are, in your FitRep means you need to be looking for alternative employment! Alas, I’ve known a few officers who deserved such accolades.
From the U.S.
- “Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching.”
- “A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.”
- “Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.” (I actually wrote a FitRep for one of my junior officers that said: “he has two brain cells remaining – one passed out drunk and the other on strike.” Alas, my Skipper made me delete it).
- “A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”
- “A prime candidate for natural deselection.”
- “Bright as Alaska in December.”
- “Fell out of the family tree.”
- “He’s so dense, light bends around him.”
- “If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate.”
- “If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”
- “Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.”
Not to be outdone, from our British cousins:
- “He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.”
- “His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.”
- “When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.”
- “This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”
- “This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.”
- “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”
- “He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.”
- “She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”
- “He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.”
- “Technically sound, but socially impossible.”
- “This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope – always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.”
All of these are supposed to be actual quotes from FitReps. Though I can’t vouch that they’re all real quotes, I can say that when I was on active duty there were actual quotes similar to these in FitReps I saw.
Sources:
British Performance Evaluations